Never Trust a Took to Stay Dead
by Mornen
Summary: For Gandalf, Valinor is a peaceful and relaxing place...at least until Pippin shows up! A nonsensicle, non-canon comedy co-written with my sister, Galad Estel.


_Author's note: This story in no way makes sense, really (it even defies canon in the terms of Pippin's final resting place), but it still can be considered funny. It was made when my sister and I were decorating our Christmas tree and throwing different banterings back and forth at each other. Well, I suppose that's all; farewell and have fun._

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><p>Gandalf was relaxing on Valinor. After the trials and tribulations of the ages, he finally had a break. It had actually been a rather long break, but Gandalf was in no ways aware of that. After saving the world, defeating a dark lord, and dealing with fools, he thought he deserved one. And he was right.<p>

Unfortunately for poor Gandalf, Mandos was equally tired. He had plenty of work to do what with collecting the dead, proclaiming dooms, and other general unpleasantness. What most people fail to realize is that, on any give occasion, there are more dead than there are living. And Mandos had to deal with all of them. Even the most wretched, wicked, base, and vile were his responsibility. It goes without saying that most would find his work depressing. It was. But still, Mandos the Unmoved was generally…unmoved by it, and could quite easily put even the most dreadful, utterly abdominal creatures back in their place with a few stern words, usually related to doom and repentance.

Unfortunately for Mandos, he had met his match. He had never, in his wildest dreams (which were surprisingly quite wild and frequent), imagined that he would ever come across a fëa who could wreak such havoc, cause such trouble, act so foolish, be so ignorant, ignore so many rules, and ask so many questions with a look of complete innocence on his sweet, little face. It was most unnerving. Peregrin Took had to go.

Gandalf was lying in a comfortable hammock, sipping a glass of iced tea, with a large, shady straw hat pulled over his eyes. It really was quite a shame, for the sand was white, the water blue and sparkling, and the Elves looked quite beautiful dancing and playing on the beach and in the sea. But Gandalf did not mind missing the splendid sight, he had seen it often enough, and at the moment, all he wanted to do was lie there and dream, undisturbed. It was perfect.

'Gandalf!'

Gandalf started. He was certain that he had just heard the high, over-excited voice of a foolish Hobbit just let out of the Halls of Mandos. But he couldn't be certain. He cracked open one eye and pushed the brim of his hat up just a tad.

_No._

'Oh, Gandalf! I'm so glad I'm here to bother you again! It seems like ages since the last prank I pulled! My, my, my, isn't it pretty here? Think I'll stick around forever!'

That's what Gandalf heard. It was not, however, what the good-natured, cheerful Hobbit with the wide grin and tousled hair standing in front of him had actually said. No, what Pippin had _actually_ said was this:

'Oh, Gandalf! It's so good to see you again! It seems like ages since we last had a chat. It really is beautiful here. Where are we?'

Gandalf opened his mouth to say something, before realizing that if he did, he would be acknowledging the Hobbit's existence. It was a much better idea to keep quiet and see if he would go away. After all, he could just be a bad dream – a bad daydream.

But Pippin had no intention of either going away or being a dream. In fact, he had lots more to say to his old friend.

'After all my naughty deeds, I was put in detention in the Halls of, ah, forgot his name…something with a 'M', I think, probably not important. At any rate, I've been in there _forever_! It really was getting quite dull, no mischief I could get up to and nothing to break or destroy. Not even you to bother!'

Of course, Pippin hadn't said all of that, but it was what Gandalf heard, nevertheless. And he found it quite alarming. But one thing at least was clear, Pippin was not going to be kind to him and just disappear.

What Pippin had actually said was: 'I've been locked up in some silly halls for the past…_forever_! It really was getting quite dull, nothing but rules and regulations to guide your every step, and only paperwork to do to pass the time. I'm surprised I didn't die of boredom!' Pippin, of course, failed to realize that since he had already been dead, dying of boredom had most definitely not been an option, but Gandalf hadn't heard him right, so he couldn't correct him.

The wizard placed the glass of half-finished iced tea down sadly and got slowly to his feet, eying the Hobbit up and down warily.

Pippin bounced with excitement.

Gandalf raised his bushy eyebrows, which stuck out farther than the rim of his straw hat (since he had been too busy relaxing on Valinor to give them a good trim), and spoke.

'Who let you out of the Halls of Mandos?' he demanded. 'Halls so strong and impenetrable that not even the great and mighty Fëanor could escape them once he was brought into their immeasurable vastness?' His deep voice echoed eerily over the beach, and the Elves stopped their games and dances to look in awe upon the great wizard who stood taller than they had ever seen him before, his hands uplifted, and his eyes blazing. Thunderclouds rolled in over the white beaches, and a bolt of lightning ripped through the sky. '_Who?_'

'Oh, Mandos! _That_ was that fellow's name.' Pippin exclaimed with a chuckle, snapping his fingers as he suddenly remembered. 'Tall, dark, creepy chap, I remember. Kept speaking 'bout death and doom, stuff like that. Not very cheery at all.'

Gandalf sighed and shrank down to his normal height as the sky cleared and the Elves went back to their fun. '_Mandos_ let you out?' He looked up at a mountain peak in the distance. 'Oh, Manwë, what does he hold against me?'

'Hold against you?' said Pippin, looking rather confused. 'He was trying to _help_ you. Thought you might like some company. And…' here he dropped his voice low to avoid embarrassing the wizard, 'he thought you might miss me. Seeing how we were such good friends and all.' He looked adoringly up at Gandalf, his eyes shining.

Gandalf opened his mouth for a moment, but didn't say anything, just let out a deep sigh and took to shaking his head sadly from side to side.

Pippin shrugged and gave him a bright smile. 'At any rate, I am so glad to be out and with you. I wonder, is there any thing I can do 'round here to make trouble? Shouldn't be too hard to find!' And he skipped away with an especially wicked grin on his darling, little Hobbit face.

At least, that was what Gandalf heard.

What he had really said was this:

'At any rate, I am so glad to be out and with you. Do you happen to know where I could get a drink? Shouldn't be too hard to find!'

Which was almost as bad.

_Finis_


End file.
